When Goldilocks told friends she'd be testing out every single folding chair in the newly-opened Times Square Pedestrian Mall, no one believed her. But after 2 weeks of early-morning and late-night sittings, the blonde beauty has finally completed her bizarre mission. "The differences are extremely subtle. Most are a bit too hard," she told Shrekster, "but I found a few that were just right. Mostly down near 42nd Street." When asked how enjoying the public space compared to the thrill of breaking and entering, she nodded defiantly. "Those days are behind me. I've served my time and I'd like to move on, thank you."

In a surprise move, the pint-sized theatre landlord has decreed that musicals adhering to the popular "jukebox" format, already in SHORT supply on Broadway, are now forbidden from the Great White Way altogether! While the decision has earned him new popularity with certain groups, others are enraged. The producers of "CHIRP: The Bird/Princess Duet Musical," scheduled to open in December, are reportedly considering legal action.

No, it's not a yolk. After having been vocal about her scrambled body image for years, the world's most famous egg has undergone gastric bypass surgery. Shelling out thousands on diet and exercise over the last decade did nothing to alter the "genetic betrayal" that was her rotund silhouette. Then, in 2006, a nasty fall from a stone wall near her Florentine vacation home left her immobile for over 10 months. "During that time, I just gorged myself while the cracks healed," she said during a recent interview. "I tried to keep my sunny side up, but when you're depressed, you're depressed. I ballooned." According to brother Benedict Dumpty, Humpty is recovering nicely and looks forward to having the figure of an egg timer instead of an egg.