Shrekster

When Goldilocks told friends she’d be testing out every single folding chair in the newly-opened Times Square Pedestrian Mall, no one believed her. But after 2 weeks of early-morning and late-night sittings, the blonde beauty has finally completed her bizarre mission. “The differences are extremely subtle. Most are a bit too hard,” she told Shrekster, “but I found a few that were just right. Mostly down near 42nd Street.” When asked how enjoying the public space compared to the thrill of breaking and entering, she nodded defiantly. “Those days are behind me. I’ve served my time and I’d like to move on, thank you.”

Ed Candlestick-Maker, who garnered praise for his bare-all performance in the splashy new play "Tub," was snubbed by the Phony Award nominating committee. "It's a shame," says a spokesperson for Candlestick-Maker, "I feel that Ed is being punished for the material. When Beckett put three men in three urns, it was revolutionary. Apparently, three men in one tub is rubbish." Co-stars Ted Butcher and Joey Baker were not available for comment.

In a surprise move, the pint-sized theatre landlord has decreed that musicals adhering to the popular "jukebox" format, already in SHORT supply on Broadway, are now forbidden from the Great White Way altogether! While the decision has earned him new popularity with certain groups, others are enraged. The producers of "CHIRP: The Bird/Princess Duet Musical," scheduled to open in December, are reportedly considering legal action.

Leaders of the Organization for Giants’ Rights (OGR) came down hard on Broadway theatre owners last week for “blatant discrimination against the vertically gifted.” The issue at hand is legroom. While some theatres have just enough room for human legs to fit between their rows, none of Broadway’s 39 theatres are equipped to handle the special needs of those over 50 feet tall. OGR claims that “these discriminatory actions perpetuate our culture’s image of giants as second-class citizens.” When theatre owners did not reply to the OGR’s accusations by their deadline of yesterday morning, a giant stepped on the Broadwurst Theatre during a matinee performance, resulting in multiple injuries and major structural damage.  The renegade giant is still at large. Very large.

No, it’s not a yolk. After having been vocal about her scrambled body image for years, the world’s most famous egg has undergone gastric bypass surgery. Shelling out thousands on diet and exercise over the last decade did nothing to alter the “genetic betrayal” that was her rotund silhouette. Then, in 2006, a nasty fall from a stone wall near her Florentine vacation home left her immobile for over 10 months. “During that time, I just gorged myself while the cracks healed,” she said during a recent interview. “I tried to keep my sunny side up, but when you’re depressed, you’re depressed. I ballooned.” According to brother Benedict Dumpty, Humpty is recovering nicely and looks forward to having the figure of an egg timer instead of an egg.

Celebrity chef Mama Bear, whose famous homemade porridge launched a mini-empire of cookbooks and magazines, is back on tour promoting her latest cookbook, entitled “Just Right: Cooking with Paws.” The cheerful gourmand, who continues to expose and defend the unique advantages of having padded feet in the food service industry, says that this latest book was directly inspired by friend Donkey’s inspirational 2007 volume, “Hooves D’Ourves,” where the stubborn foodie first published his now Orpah-endorsed recipe for “Once Upon a Thyme-Rosemary Croquettes.”

The long-running hit television series “Far Away Idol” is back on the airwaves (or should we say cablewaves now?) for another season of unmatched shrieking and bleating. But after Lord Farquaad’s “mysterious” 3-year winning streak, most industry insiders are predicting lower ratings than usual this time around. “The show has really lost its appeal,” says a rival network executive. “Farquaad just came in and made a long story very short. And that’s that.” Judge Paula AbDuloc was a little...hazier. “I think the citizens of Far Away still (incomprensible blather) in the show. We’ll be, just, you know, okie-dokie fine fine.”

The newly-designed TKTS booth in Times Square, where visitors to NYC can take in the magic of the crossroads of the world, is turning some heads and turning others off. “There’s a place that’s like this in Neverland,” said Wendy, 15. “but it’s, like, way cooler, because you can fly there.” A little old woman was more impressed: “I have so many children, I didn’t know what to do,” she explained, “but then I just sat them down on these steps, and that shut them up for an hour or so!” Perhaps the most negative review of all came from Little Red Ridinghood, 41. “I made the color red cool over 30 years ago,” she said between puffs on her cigarette, “this is derivative, mainstream horse-hooey.”

NYC Mayor Mike Blumburg, who could be headed toward an unprecedented third term in office, has announced a bold new initiative to address the city’s rampant rat problem. Blumburg’s choice to head the new “REP” (Rodent Elimination Plan) is the famed Pied Piper of Hamelin, Germany. Mr. Piper’s technique for rodent removal has proven wildly successful throughout Europe. A spokesman for Piper says, “The method is simple. He plays a snazzy tune on his pipe and the rats head toward the river and they drown.” According to a city official, Piper is preparing two tunes for his NYC program: “Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls and “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban.

The latest gossip to hit the Great White Way is coming from the Moonglow Theatre, where two romantically linked cast members of 'Hey, Diddle: The Musical' have mysteriously disappeared. Dish and Spoon, who first met during rehearsals for the Phony Award-winning smash, were nowhere to be found before Tuesday night’s performance. A short note on Spoon’s dressing room door read simply, “Fork off, world.” Rumors had been circulating that the duo was deeply frustrated by the “special treatment” given to co-stars Cat and Fiddle. Cow, who is Dish’s understudy, is obviously over the moon.